I wrote this post some time ago but couldn’t bring myself to upload it.  This year has been incredibly hard.  I’ve lost a mother and a sister, neither one related by blood, but the loss has hit me just as hard as losing my own mother did when I was a teen.  I originally intended for this webspace to be just about my spinning and fibre related shenannigans, but after a year of challenges and introspection I’ve decided to broaden it’s reach.  My fibrecraft is a fairly recent addition to my creative life, but I have come to realise that it is also one of the most important parts of it.  I am learning to trust myself, to go with the flow of creativity and inspiration and not to let my Self be broken down by the critic in my head that tells me I’m not any good at anything.  I’m not fishing for anything when I say this, it is simply a statement of how things have felt for me for too long. So I’m going to talk about the stuff I’m doing and thinking about when I’m not elbow deep in fibre.  I hope you’ll stick with me on the journey, but I understand if that’s not your path to walk.

Of Butterflies, Sparkles and Unbounded Celebration

Sitting quietly in the sundrenched morning mist a butterfly fluttered by and I am touched.

Blessed am I to have known a sister so briefly and become deeply changed for the better.  A lady so grace full, so strong and thoroughly kind, brimming with humour and music.

In celebration of her time this time, I created a yarn that makes me think of her instantly, makes me smile and give thanks for our friendship.  A blend of wool and silk, both strong and warm with a little angelina sparkle to make it extra special.  Purple – naturally.

I hear her.  In my head.  Chiding my inner critic so gently but with absolute authority, so that when it pipes up to challenge my validity, my worth, it is unceremoniously silenced with a simple “Now Sweetie, you know that’s nonsense.”  And I smile.  She is with me, part of me, always.

There are times though that my heart aches, the cracks in my joy of knowing her widen and the tears flow.  Though tears are not what she wanted, they escape and I wish for her gentle hugs and unconditional support, for her touch and the sound of her laugh.

In celebration of her generosity, I have gifted some of this yarn to her Purple Circle, just some of the women she inspired with her creativity, passion and joy for crafting and life.

 

Losing the the mother who was not my Mother has been unbelieveably hard, and the ripples are still widening.  She took me into her home four years ago without expectation or question.  I love her son and that was enough.  I was enough.  I watched her slip away from us, fighting until the end that came sooner than anybody could have predicted.  I’ve retreated, cocooned from my life, both online and elsewhere.  I’ve knitted, cried, slept and done what I have to to keep my life ticking over.  But plans are afoot that I hope will benefit not just me but the wider community.  I am slowly emerging – adding back the things that I’ve let slide – and beginning again.  I want to return to my Holistic and Complementary Healthcare studies and services, providing comfort to those who need.  There are possibilities I could never have dreamed of on the horizon but they are secret and safe for now in their cocoon too, not quite ready to spread their wings and fly.

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  2 Responses to “An Old Post and A Widening Road”

  1. You’re so right Jo, our beautiful butterfly with her magical sparkly ways is so very very missed. No she probably wouldn’t wish our tears but the chasm, the void is so apparent and there are times when it is so difficult not to cry. Those that are joined within her Circle share with you her strength and love. Memories make this a more dIfficult time but we’ll hold hands together and stand strong in reflection. A gentle but huge hug my friend xxx ….

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